1. She never calls you back: Think back – or go through your email and the call history on your mobile. Is it always you initiating contact? Is that contact sometimes (perhaps even mostly) met with a resounding silence, or a request that you go away and leave her alone?
2. You’re blocked! Has she blocked you on all her social media, so you’re reduced to trawling her friend’s feeds for signs that she’s been talking to other people (probably, in your mind at least, about you) and, you know, doing stuff without you?
3. Auto-reply: When you email her, do you get an auto-reply telling you your message has bounced, or that the sender has blocked your address?
4. But hey! Have you replied to those auto-responses?
5. … more than once?
6. Then created a new email address so that you can email her and tell how selfish and mean and unnecessary it is to block you?
7. … and then created new FaceBook/Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest accounts, too! And bombarded her with messages, likes, follows and nasty or accusatory hashtags?
8. Have you hacked her email/FaceBook/Twitter/bank account … et cetera. Are you, possibly illegally, keeping track of her?
9. … and then sending her updates on what she’s been doing, with critical notes?
10. Have you sent her gifts and cards. Perhaps photographs of the two of you when you were together. Or just of you. And then, when those gifts weren’t met with the gratitude you were expecting, followed up by upbraiding her for her lack of gratitude, taste, fellow feeling, or humanity? And listing all of the reasons why nobody else ever has, or ever will, be able to love her. Or even like her.
11. Have you gone to her new home, when she wasn’t there? Perhaps even let yourself in and had a poke around. Smelled her sheets? Gone through her dirty washing? Checked the contents of her refrigerator and taken notes from her wall calendar? Have you left something behind, or taken photographs, or both?
12. Do your various communications with her include threats to her emotional, familial, social, professional, financial, legal and/or physical wellbeing? Up to and including death threats?

What your score means:

1 – 2: Hmmm … Just a little obsessed? Why not take up a new hobby? I hear making your own cheese is really taking off!

3 – 5: You’re a borderline stalker. Sometimes, you’re exercising your better judgement and leaving her alone. Perhaps when you’re sober? Stick with that.

6-7: Congratulations! You are a stalker! Time to get some therapy, and learn to leave that woman alone.

8 and up: You are an A-grade stalker. Going above and beyond the call is just how you roll. You might justify your actions by telling yourself she deserves it, or that you love her, or that she really needs you in her life (even if she can’t see that right now), but nothing justifies this kind of behaviour. Just stop. Get help. Move on.